


even in your darkest hour, i'll never desert you

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feelings, Older Doctor, Younger River, happy anniversary to my favourite idiots in love <3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23788363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: University River was prone to reverting backs to her psychopathic tendencies whenever she was feeling particularly stressed, or when she was suffering from nightmares over her past. The Doctor’s eyes looked over two mountains of books strewn all over the floor, some pages torn out and some covers cracked. Her bookshelves are completely empty save for the diary he’d gifted her, and he looks back at River, swallowing slightly. It’s been a while since he’s needed to do this.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 16
Kudos: 74





	even in your darkest hour, i'll never desert you

**Author's Note:**

> happy anniversary to the amazing married idiots in love who have taken over my entire life. i love em  
> title from I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders

The Doctor steps out of his TARDIS and onto the grounds of Luna University, breathing in the smell of fresh air and wet grass after rainfall. He makes his way through the maze of buildings, his feet having tread the same path over a million times, and he tries to think of a way to surprise his not-yet wife. 

It’s been quite some time since he’s seen her - almost a month. Even then, he’d been bumping into versions of her that didn’t know they were married. The last time he’d actually seen his wife was… Manhattan.

His hearts ache as he thinks about what had happened in the days following the loss of the Ponds. It had been grief and anger and sorrow that had clouded both of them, resulting in a massive row that led to River disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

The regret didn’t take long to settle in. In the wake of losing Amy and Rory, he wanted nothing but to keep the last remaining Pond by his side, safe and sound forever. But like the idiot he was, he’d only succeeded in driving her away, tears streaming down her face and her eyes full of heartbreak and sadness. 

He’s been thinking of his wife ever since that happened. He didn't want to be alone, but he didn’t want to travel with just anyone, either - he wanted her and her only and right now, it doesn’t matter which version of her he got. He just wanted her near.

He knows, of course, that sooner or later, he’d have to face a River who knew what he’d said to her. He knows he’ll have to apologise and make things right between them, but for now he’s content with adrenaline rushing dates with her younger self. 

It suddenly occurs to him that the hallways of the dormitories are a lot more quiet than he’s accustomed to. Quirking his eyebrow slightly, he heads straight for River’s room, his pace quickening.

There’s a sign hanging on the doorknob, reading ‘DO NOT ENTER’ in big, bolded letters. The Doctor takes the sign and frowns at it before pressing his ear to the wood, trying to discern what’s happening inside.

He hears nothing, and he briefly wonders if River is even in. It doesn’t look like anyone else is.

Deciding that he might as well check since he’s here, he twists the knob and pushes the door open.

“Take one more step and you’re dead.” a cold, harsh voice says from the opposite side of the room.

River’s eyes glint maliciously, her practiced hand on the gun that is trained directly at his head. The Doctor raises his hands in surrender, having been in similar situations in the past with River before. 

University River was prone to reverting backs to her psychopathic tendencies whenever she was feeling particularly stressed, or when she was suffering from nightmares over her past. The Doctor’s eyes looked over two mountains of books strewn all over the floor, some pages torn out and some covers cracked. Her bookshelves are completely empty save for the diary he’d gifted her, and he looks back at River, swallowing slightly. It’s been a while since he’s needed to do this. 

“I’m not here to hurt you, River,” he says to her gently. “Please put the gun down.”

River smirks almost mockingly, tilting her head to the side as she surveys him. “No,” she says simply. 

“River, look at me,” he tries again, taking one step towards her. Her eyes flash dangerously and he stops.

“My name is Melody Pond,” she says coldly, and there isn’t a hint of recognition in her eyes when she looks at him. 

“Of course it is. I’m sorry, Pond,” he says, and she looks caught off guard for a moment. He takes the opportunity and steps closer to her. “Don’t you remember me? Your mum used to talk about me, didn’t she?”

“Take one more step and I will shoot your head off,” she warns seriously.

“River, it’s me, honey,” he says softly. She seems to look right through him - it hasn’t ever been this bad before. “Your Doctor, remember?”

She blinks, and she starts examining his face thoroughly, as if struggling to place where she’s seen him before. 

The Doctor seizes her moment of hesitation. “I’m here now, sweetheart, it’s okay. Come back to me. It’s alright.”

And as though a switch had flipped, River’s whole body starts to tremble as she drops the gun in horror. Her eyes fill with tears as she falls to the floor, and the Doctor is by her side in an instant, hugging her to his side and running a hand up and down her arm soothingly.

“Sorry,” she whispers, tears falling uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry, Doctor.”

“It’s okay - I’m okay. Look at me - not a single scratch,” he says comfortingly. “It’s okay, River.”

The Doctor kneels down next to her, wanting to touch her and offer comfort in some way but River isn’t facing him. She looks away as she cries and it reminds him painfully, of Manhattan, of the consequences of her  _ hiding the damage _ from him.

Swallowing heavily, he reaches out for her hand, holding it gently. 

She doesn’t stop sobbing. She’s trying to hold it back but her tears fall anyway - he doesn’t think he’s ever seen her cry so much before.

“Talk to me, River,” he murmurs quietly, both his hands holding one of his gently. “Please, talk to me.”

She starts hiccoughing, wiping her tears away with an unsteady hand.

“It’s… hard sometimes,” she says quietly, looking down at the floor. “Being River.”

“You don’t have to be,” he says immediately. “I told you -”

“I know, I’ll choose my own future,” she says, as if she’s bored of repeating the words. “But  _ you’re _ my future, Doctor. And you’re here.”

“You don’t want that?” he asks her seriously. 

She turns away and his hearts are pierced.

“Like I said, it’s hard sometimes,” she says again, in the same quiet tone.

“I wish it wasn’t,” the Doctor whispers, his eyes fixed on their clasped hands.

River deserves happiness more than anyone he knows. She’s suffered through losses the likes of which are unimaginable but she always came out on the other side. She’s tough and clever and the most resilient person he’s ever known. She never gives up.

She deserves to be happy. 

“It doesn’t have to be,” the Doctor starts, squeezing her hand between his. “If you really want to, everything can change.”

She looks at him directly, eyes still filled with tears. This is the first time she’s looked at him since she snapped out of her trance and he can’t help but feel his stomach twist at the pain in her eyes, so prominent and intense. 

“What do you mean?” she asks, and she sounds so hopeful he’s sure that everything would have been worth it in the end. 

“If you’re sure - if you’re really,  _ really _ sure,” he stresses, because he is still a selfish old man. “We can make everything go away. You’ll never have episodes again.”

She frowns at him, eyes still shining. “How?” 

“Well, there’s a price,” he says carefully, and he can’t bear to look her in the eyes as he explains. “We - you and I - we can’t be together.”

She pauses, and he continues gazing directly at their hands. He knows the information has fully sunken in when she tugs her hand out of his grip.

“Doctor,” she starts, and tears are welling up in her eyes again. “Are you really offering to save me? In 1969?”

He attempts a smile, but there is too much sadness in his features. “If that’s what you want, River, then yes. I will save Melody Pond from the orphanage and she will grow up with her parents.”

“And what about you? Us?”

He hesitates. He can’t stand to see River like this and he will definitely do whatever she asks, but he can’t stop the reality of the situation. If he really does this, he won’t ever have known River. He will never have loved her. And now he loves her so much that his hearts feel like they’ve been twisted in his chest.

“You won’t remember me. We won’t know each other the way we do now,” he tells her softly, and he can already feel the disagreement from her, but how can he stand by and watch her in pain when there’s such a simple solution? One that only he can give?

“Doctor…” she trails off, the hesitation clear in her tone.

“It’s your choice,” he stresses, swallowing again as he looks at her. His eyes are wide and sincere as he reaches out to brush her curls out of her face. “Whatever you want, River.”

But still she looks unsure. “I don’t know, Doctor.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’ll be okay.” 

She meets his eyes again and this time he can’t stop himself from tearing up. He doesn’t want to lose River but he never wants her to feel any pain at his hands again. And he knows - he knows all too well - that River will only ever feel pain and hurt and sadness and loss when she’s with him. Manhattan was proof of that.

But River is clever. His bad, clever girl. She knows him so well, even this young, and she can read him better than anyone else.

“Is that meant to comfort me?” she asks gently. “Or yourself?”

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t have to. River knows him better than anyone; she can read his expressions like a book. 

“Why are you offering to do this? Are you even okay with this? With losing me?” she asks, though tears are still shining brightly in her eyes, she looks at him with such gentle, solemn disbelief.

“It doesn’t matter what  _ I’m _ okay - ” he states, but River interrupts him impatiently. 

“Tell me the truth, Doctor,” she says seriously. “ _ Please _ tell me the truth.”

He can’t. If he does, he’ll subject her to a life full of pain and suffering, all because of him. He can’t tell her the truth because he loves her and he never wants to lose her. But he wants her to be  _ happy _ . Just a little. Why must it be so hard for them?

“Doctor - ” she starts, but he cuts her off this time.

“No. No, I’m not okay with that and you know it,” he snaps, feeling anger and frustration at the universe because if he could hold one person for the rest of time it would be River - but it’s never been that simple. No, not for him. For him, there must be twisted timelines, psychotic cult leaders, and the cherry on top - the love of his life must  _ die _ the day he meets her. A tear trails down his cheek as he thinks about what he would give to have River safe and whole and  _ happy _ with him. She isn’t, though. And that won’t change unless he changes time. “But you’re not okay now. You’re not - not happy and I want you to be. I want to take all your pain away and if that’s what it takes, if that’s what you want me to do, then I’ll do it. I will.”

She’s crying silently now, looking at him with wide eyes. It reminds him of their wedding day, and he pauses to take a breath - soon, they might not be married anymore. 

She reaches out to touch his face; it takes him a few moments to realise that his cheeks are wet. He hadn’t even noticed the tears.

“I just - I want to make you happy,” he whispers, his voice hoarse.

She leans in and he inhales deeply, finding comfort in her scent. He closes his eyes and feels her moving closer and closer, until finally their lips touch. 

It’s a slow, soft kiss. Gentle and tender, meant to comfort; reassure. His eyes well even further and he grips her face closer, wanting to pour exactly how he feels for her into the kiss. He can’t tell her just yet, but he would challenge the universe for her, and he’d win. 

She pulls back gently but she stays near, her lips ghosting his. Her thumb strokes his cheekbone, softly and he smiles tearfully at the gesture. 

“Stay,” she whispers. “That’s all I need to do. Just stay with me, sweetie.”

He never wants to leave.

**Author's Note:**

> i love them so much guys. i just - they love each other so much and im not okay. anyway please let me know if you liked the story by leaving a kudos/comment! thanks for reading :)


End file.
